Crabby McScrooge

R.I.P Will Driscoll  Crab­by
Crab­by McScrooge

We will now con­tin­ue our tale
of the lit­tle grinchy lad
and all the rot­ten rea­sons
that the green kid was so bad

Come Christ­mas time in fes­tive land
Every­one would pack their bags
and head off up to Christ­mas town
there were many gifts to tag

The town lit up like fairy­land
Peo­ple scur­ried here and there
Bad Frosty Direct­ed traf­fic
right around the vil­lage square

The dough­boy stood on the cor­ner
ped­dling out his wares
and Joko was in the kitchen
putting rum in with the pears

The tooth fairy worked the town gate
With the green grinch by his side
There was con­tra­band a plen­ty
that the vis­i­tors were prone to hide

The East­er bun­ny con­duct­ed strip search­es
while the tooth fairy looked on
The grinch just growled dis­plea­sure
as the bun­ny felt up anoth­er blonde

Well the green skin boy got bored
and often he would stray away
He was turned off by those rot­ten men
and so off he would trot to play

But be mind­ful of our sto­ry
how those elves did­n’t want to play
With that lad from christ­mas town
and how they all stayed far away

Now all those elves were busy
and rudolf cracked his whip
The grinch was in the blast­ed way
over his green ass they would trip

They would yell and rant and scream at him
and kick him out­side the shed
They would smash their parcels into him
and bang them on his head

And so the Grinch got real­ly cranky
one christ­mas week in time
His anger built with­in him
until it crossed the line

His ears steamed out in green puffs
of radioac­tive green gas
His flat fat feet would stomp about
and he would yell of all things crass

But no one seemed to look at him
they all rushed by him real­ly fast
and tram­pled poor lit­tle grinchy
as they all hur­ried past

So the grinch then hit the jack­pot
of devi­ous tricks to try
He decid­ed to cre­ate a din
and teach him­self to fly

So he sat there and he pon­dered
things of physics and of math
See if he did­n’t learn his lessons
he would earn the tooth fairies wrath

So his plans formed inside his head
and he went and gath­ered bits
He snuck and raid­ed cup­boards
to find the pieces that would fit

He went and stole the wood
from san­tas old stock­pile
and went and pinched his tools
along with a ham­mer and a file

Soon his plane was ready
to fly about the town
The grinch had saved all rudolfs shit
and marked the spots to throw it down

But he need­ed some more pow­er
his phos­pho­rus was­n’t quite enough
To get the plane all pow­ered up
he need­ed stronger stuff

So he snuck into the work­shop
and had a look around
and opened a few box­es
can you guess what grinchy found

A moth­er lode of pow­er
spread right through the place
The grinch loaded up his arms
and ran out with a grin on his face

So the Grinch built up his air­plane
then stood back straight and tall
I’ll give these bas­tards Christ­mas
wait till the Shit begins to fall

He loaded up the bomb bay
with all of Rudolf’s shit
and then he checked the map again
and planned whos head­’s to hit

He strapped up his new found pow­er cells
and shoved them deep in the back
He filled them with his green gas
nuclear pow­er cells to stack

The Grinch fired up the engine
and shot right into out­er space
He wet his pants and crapped him­self
there was ter­ror on his face

He turned the rock­et right around
and head­ed back to earth
He gath­ered such speed to him
he felt he was about to give birth

As the rock­et sped towards the ground
the grinch was flat­tened by the force
His fuzz hair streamed out behind him
a crash was inevitable of course

But right at the last moment
San­ta Claus was dri­ving by
The Rock­et hit rudolf on the nose
send­ing his nos­trils into his eyes

The rock­et’s course was altered
and missed the town cen­tre by a mile
It crashed into the rein­deers hay
send­ing green poop through­out the pile

In the mid­dle it was lit­tle Grinchy
with crap pour­ing down his head
and now spread all around him
those bat­ter­ies now green and dead

Now All that lumi­nes­ence
was gone from in The Grinch­es skin
He was white and he was crab­by
the same col­or as his kin

No ‑one knows what caused the reac­tion
that reversed the green skin tinge
it was enough to con­fuse poor old san­ta
and sent him off on an old rum binge

That was the Annus Hori­bilis
of San­ta’s Christ­mas town
Green droopy bits of slime­balls
Just kept on rain­ing down

And San­ta had to hire an elf
to write on every box
“bat­ter­ies not includ­ed”
thanks to that lit­tle fox

So if this christ­mas you get a gift
and you see that writ­ten there
you know the grinch has touched your toy
and you know the rea­son’s fair

Because you don’t want lit­tle John­ny
to smile at you at night
to have his lit­tle face grin back
all lumi­nous and bright

So to mums the whole world over
San­ta’s mes­sage to you today
is go out now and buy bat­ter­ies
cos I’ve got none in me sleigh

Blame that lit­tle grinchy one
although I think he has gone to hide
I am sure that all that action
was too much to take in his stride

There was a secret to this sto­ry
and it is real­ly very huge
As now the he lost his green­ness
he’s became Crab­by McScrooge

And thats why old Rudolf’s nose is red
Because you know I nev­er lie
with this lit­tle tale from Christ­mas town
to make you laugh until you cry

But to be sure there will be more tales
from where this dit­ty has sprung
Because I’ve got more sto­ries
wait­ing to roll off my fat ole tongue