Crabby McScrooge

R.I.P Will Driscoll  Crabby
Crabby McScrooge

We will now continue our tale
of the little grinchy lad
and all the rotten reasons
that the green kid was so bad

Come Christmas time in festive land
Everyone would pack their bags
and head off up to Christmas town
there were many gifts to tag

The town lit up like fairyland
People scurried here and there
Bad Frosty Directed traffic
right around the village square

The doughboy stood on the corner
peddling out his wares
and Joko was in the kitchen
putting rum in with the pears

The tooth fairy worked the town gate
With the green grinch by his side
There was contraband a plenty
that the visitors were prone to hide

The Easter bunny conducted strip searches
while the tooth fairy looked on
The grinch just growled displeasure
as the bunny felt up another blonde

Well the green skin boy got bored
and often he would stray away
He was turned off by those rotten men
and so off he would trot to play

But be mindful of our story
how those elves didn’t want to play
With that lad from christmas town
and how they all stayed far away

Now all those elves were busy
and rudolf cracked his whip
The grinch was in the blasted way
over his green ass they would trip

They would yell and rant and scream at him
and kick him outside the shed
They would smash their parcels into him
and bang them on his head

And so the Grinch got really cranky
one christmas week in time
His anger built within him
until it crossed the line

His ears steamed out in green puffs
of radioactive green gas
His flat fat feet would stomp about
and he would yell of all things crass

But no one seemed to look at him
they all rushed by him really fast
and trampled poor little grinchy
as they all hurried past

So the grinch then hit the jackpot
of devious tricks to try
He decided to create a din
and teach himself to fly

So he sat there and he pondered
things of physics and of math
See if he didn’t learn his lessons
he would earn the tooth fairies wrath

So his plans formed inside his head
and he went and gathered bits
He snuck and raided cupboards
to find the pieces that would fit

He went and stole the wood
from santas old stockpile
and went and pinched his tools
along with a hammer and a file

Soon his plane was ready
to fly about the town
The grinch had saved all rudolfs shit
and marked the spots to throw it down

But he needed some more power
his phosphorus wasn’t quite enough
To get the plane all powered up
he needed stronger stuff

So he snuck into the workshop
and had a look around
and opened a few boxes
can you guess what grinchy found

A mother lode of power
spread right through the place
The grinch loaded up his arms
and ran out with a grin on his face

So the Grinch built up his airplane
then stood back straight and tall
I’ll give these bastards Christmas
wait till the Shit begins to fall

He loaded up the bomb bay
with all of Rudolf’s shit
and then he checked the map again
and planned whos head’s to hit

He strapped up his new found power cells
and shoved them deep in the back
He filled them with his green gas
nuclear power cells to stack

The Grinch fired up the engine
and shot right into outer space
He wet his pants and crapped himself
there was terror on his face

He turned the rocket right around
and headed back to earth
He gathered such speed to him
he felt he was about to give birth

As the rocket sped towards the ground
the grinch was flattened by the force
His fuzz hair streamed out behind him
a crash was inevitable of course

But right at the last moment
Santa Claus was driving by
The Rocket hit rudolf on the nose
sending his nostrils into his eyes

The rocket’s course was altered
and missed the town centre by a mile
It crashed into the reindeers hay
sending green poop throughout the pile

In the middle it was little Grinchy
with crap pouring down his head
and now spread all around him
those batteries now green and dead

Now All that luminesence
was gone from in The Grinches skin
He was white and he was crabby
the same color as his kin

No -one knows what caused the reaction
that reversed the green skin tinge
it was enough to confuse poor old santa
and sent him off on an old rum binge

That was the Annus Horibilis
of Santa’s Christmas town
Green droopy bits of slimeballs
Just kept on raining down

And Santa had to hire an elf
to write on every box
“batteries not included”
thanks to that little fox

So if this christmas you get a gift
and you see that written there
you know the grinch has touched your toy
and you know the reason’s fair

Because you don’t want little Johnny
to smile at you at night
to have his little face grin back
all luminous and bright

So to mums the whole world over
Santa’s message to you today
is go out now and buy batteries
cos I’ve got none in me sleigh

Blame that little grinchy one
although I think he has gone to hide
I am sure that all that action
was too much to take in his stride

There was a secret to this story
and it is really very huge
As now the he lost his greenness
he’s became Crabby McScrooge

And thats why old Rudolf’s nose is red
Because you know I never lie
with this little tale from Christmas town
to make you laugh until you cry

But to be sure there will be more tales
from where this ditty has sprung
Because I’ve got more stories
waiting to roll off my fat ole tongue