Dear World — A letter from Santa

My name is frig­gin San­ta Claus
You had bet­ter get it right
I only come round once a year
In the mid­dle of the night

I make toys for all the chil­dren
and for grown up kids as well
They all sit on San­ta’s knee
and whine and have a yell

Please San­ta Claus I want a bike
I want a skate­board or two
Give me a brand new surf­board
It makes san­ta want to spew

You always say that you’ve been good
But we both know that’s not true
I remem­ber all those things you did
when you thought I nev­er knew

I ho ho here, I ho ho there
and get fat­ter by the day
I smile and grin and wave a lot
And ignore what you have to say

You ask for gold and dia­monds
I brings you socks and pants instead
You think your get­ting what you want
I bring you lumps of lead.

I haven’t seen my toes in years
My bum scrapes on the ground
I wear a stu­pid red suit
And my sac that weighs 10 pound

I’m mar­ried to a bloomin’ witch
They call her Mrs Claus
I’m always walk­ing eggshells
She’s always ban­gin’ doors

She’s mean an yells and stamps a lot
and rages on all the year
I love it when she gets that mad
She blows wind out from her rear

But she cooks me choco­late brown­ies
So I think I’ll keep her around
And those deli­cious yum­my pork chops
That make my bel­ly face the ground

I’ve got some bloody rein­deer
along with a very stu­pid one.
They call him Rudolph red nose
I could just kick him up the bum

He gets into my wood­shed
and leaves his Shit in there.
He sneaks into my rum room
and gets pissed as a polar bear

I’m sure the elves are grow­ing weed
Out beyond the gar­den shed
They sneak out there for hours
and come back inside a blood­shot red

I par­ty with the tooth fairy
the east­er bun­ny comes to stay
I dig it when they come around
It means it’s time to play

We go out to the strip­per bar
To an igloo in the next town
the east­er bun­ny buys the drinks
we all perve and skol it down

So If you hear San­ta com­ing
Cov­er the kid­dies ears real tight
I’m off vis­it­ing the girls next door
and spread­ing love and light

to par­ents the whole world over
I have a mes­sage to send to you
If you fan­cy being in my bad books
Then don’t clean the chim­ney flue

If you have a fire blaz­ing hot
Make sure I’ve some­where to land
Cos if I burn my feet one more time
I won’t be capa­ble to stand

If You don’t have a chim­ney
don’t lock the blast­ed door
You don’t real­ly expect San­ta Claus
To climb up the through kitchen floor

I’m sick of milk and cook­ies
They just pour out my bum
I demand some care and qual­i­ty
Please leave out the top shelf rum

And if you are hot and sin­gle
Please turn on the bed­side light
Because San­ta wants to vis­it you
And stay right through the night

I know this let­ter is an epic
But it’s all in fun and free
The mag­ic that is Christ­mas
This is my gift for you to see!!
Mayet
(South Pole San­ta)