This is the first time I am pub­lish­ing this piece pub­licly.

It was writ­ten in 2009/2010  and placed on pri­vate jour­nal entry.

On the 14th of Feb­ru­ary 2010, I answered a knock at my back door. Stand­ing there was 3 fed­er­al police offi­cers, two on the sides point­ing tasers at me and the one in the mid­dle point­ing a loaded gun at me.  My heart dropped. It was the last time I saw my youngest three babies for two years.

Almost two years lat­er my legal aid was stripped from me, with the gov­ern­ment excuse that I had “used to many resources” I was then forced to rep­re­sent myself in mul­ti­ple juris­dic­tions to fight for my chil­dren.
lat­er a Judge apol­o­gised to me, say­ing, we are sor­ry Mrs Swan, a judge can only made deci­sions based on the evi­dence we have in front of us. We now know from your cross exam­i­na­tion of the appli­cant today that we were not in pos­ses­sion of the facts.

moment of hi five, Yay I stood there with­out a lawyer and crushed him with truth. ..  It was too late though,  it was torn, the dam­age was irre­pairable and I have been pick­ing up scat­tered feath­ers ever since. There was no hi five, but there was the burn of injus­tice in my heart.

no, it was the burn if injus­tice.

At the time I could not share my pain. I couldn’t share any­thing. i could only wrap myself with­in myself and scream inside.

Today in some ways i am still scream­ing inside

I have learned one thing. one very impor­tant thing

to endure

 

it is a deep despair inside, a rest­less­ness borne of not know­ing but a the same time hav­ing to bear the con­tem­pla­tive thoughts of what will be and even worse what can be.

It is the real­iza­tion that noth­ing, not even your chil­dren are tru­ly yours, they belong to the state to ban­ter and pass around like mar­ketable goods.

These are my chil­dren, I chose to be a mum, I chose all that came with being a mum. I am not per­fect and per­haps in the God’s eyes I have failed, or found to be lack­ing but to be judged by a stranger?

to have soci­ety and some one far away from the real­i­ties of our fam­i­ly, sit­ting in such high judg­ment of us who holds the abil­i­ty in his hands to take all from under us, to take from us all we have , all we have built, and all we have planned and all we are is I guess to feel the ulti­mate loss. The loss of life, the loss of free­dom, the loss of hat should be

The pain is unbear­able, every minute I stop and heave a deep sigh, as if some­thing is trapped and held with­in my very soul,  burst­ing to tear it’s way out to cause the ulti­mate pain a moth­er can bear. The loss of a child or the threat of the loss of a child.

I just tucked Kahleah into bed …I do feel my heart break­ing with every breath. I watch their angel­ic faces as they begin to bloom again, only to face that it all might be ripped from us again. The tran­quil­i­ty and heal­ing shat­tered, our fam­i­ly frag­ment­ed and for­got­ten.

My babies.  The pain is too much too keep writ­ing, my tears beg annoy­ing­ly to be wiped away as they run in a con­stant stream down my cheeks unheed­ed. My vision is blurred. my heart is so heavy. I can’t  stop the waves of pain that rip through my soul.

it is the worse, it is rock bot­tom, it is the dev­as­ta­tion that only a par­ent could dread. The mem­o­ries flash like replay in full Tech­ni­col­or wind­screen through my mind of our life togeth­er, of our dreams, our hopes, and of our fear, of our night­mare.

Yet that night­mare, it was noth­ing, it had noth­ing  on this night­mare. This is the ulti­mate pain, the ulti­mate sequel to end the saga. The final con­trol, the final cut.  and yes, it is the deep­est, far deep­er than I have evr endured from him before. Far worse than too much, it hurts so bad.

what reg­is­ters is my babies, of my bond with them

of B as he says, “I hope you bought a hug with you mum” or “I know what you bought me home from the shop mum­my, you bought me a kiss”.

Of lis­ten­ing to S’s oper­at­ic tones pierce my head in per­fect pitch as she mer­ri­ly dances around the house and her smiles at

me the love the bond between us as moth­er and daugh­ter. Of K, my lit­tle sun­shine, Her earnest blue eyes look­ing deeply into mine as she tells me one of her sto­ries.

We are just now only begin­ning to find each oth­er again. We are just begin­ning to mend and learn­ing to walk all over again and now it is threat­ened with a destruc­tion that i am pow­er­less to stop.

and it hurts ………. bad….

I’m sor­ry i just need an out­let for this pain and I can’t pub­lish this pub­licly….. I hurt

Alone in the dark, alone with your thoughts
over­come with deep feel­ings of dread.
all of your hopes and all of your fears
are flow­ing ran­dom­ly around in your head.

search­ing for courage, the spark that’s inside
to stand up and face what the fates bring,
sup­press­ing inside you the need to be free,
as slow­ly the voice stops to sing

when you final­ly stand up and step on to the future,
from the tears that are all done and all cried,
fac­ing the fears of all that is unknown,
that takes courage born of blood and of pride.

the torch­es of knowl­edge which light up the way
will help guide you to take one step more
the light may grow dim and flick­er about
but the spir­it comes from deep in the core

The book of today has already been writ­ten
the pages are num­bered from the days of your life
it’s signed in your blood and then sealed with the laws
ready to cut through your soul like a knife

Look deep in the mir­ror at you star­ing back
you see time etched and marked on your face
inno­cence gone from those eyes which now turn away
a know­ing deep far­away look in its place

Anoth­er day old­er there is no going back
no chang­ing the past with a pen
the les­son is learned reac­tion to action
it is time for the deep wounds to mend

A red dawn breaks out from under the dark­ness
as nature waits for the new day to begin
Con­scious­ness wak­ens and stirs from it’s sleep
the world has turned on it’s axis again
Mayet