My life as a clown

I’ve heard it myself ………They say that Clowns are sad fucks.

Well I’m here today to tell you it’s true. We are.

Oh don’t wor­ry I AM A clown, just ask any­one that knows me in real life. My kids call me a clown dai­ly. I am always pulling faces and doing tricks for them and pulling pranks on them to make them laugh. When I go out with my friends I keep them in hys­ter­ics all night with my antics. The drunk­er THEY get, the fun­nier I get. For­got to add, I don’t drink, my Brava­do is not found by using beer gog­gles….

Even though in many ways I am an incred­i­bly shy, self reflec­tive qui­et per­son, put me in com­pa­ny that needs a gig­gle to bright­en up their lives and I will have them wet­ting my pants…. and if there is anoth­er clown in the room with me….. well we just bounce… cre­ativ­i­ty sparks to life……

Well the amaz­ing thing I have dis­cov­ered is that when I am at my low­est and sad­dest, a sur­vival mech­a­nism kicks in, I cre­ate LOL’s and smiles and all things fun and then I use that to draw ener­gy into me and use it, to sur­vive anoth­er day, to stand up and breathe and to take a step fur­ther into the dark cave I am jour­ney­ing.

As fast as my cup gets emp­tied by life’s pain, I do my utmost to keep ener­gy flow­ing back in. Some times that cup is long dry and then a spark, an acknowl­edg­ment, a laugh from some­one comes to me and that tiny drop revives life and restores me to a con­di­tion that I can keep going on… it gives me the air to breathe.

It is almost like a spir­it orgasm.. I get off on mak­ing peo­ple smile and see­ing them laugh and be hap­py… it warms the cock­les of my wid­dle heart that late­ly has been grow­ing cold­er by the day… noth­ing will make me smile. I have noth­ing to smile about oth­er than to see oth­ers smile…  thats not a pity me request either… it is a truth­ful state­ment of “clown­ship” the secret code of a true clown…..

I find at this moment for as deep a my pain cuts, as low I have sunk in the quag­mire we call life, my cre­ative ener­gy and pos­i­tive out­put actu­al­ly equals the depths. My ris­es are just as high as the low points are low. The work I cre­ate at these times stuns me when I look back at it lat­er.. Did I do that? Did I cre­ate that? and that gives me more ener­gy to work with..

and its those pos­i­tives in my life that then make me real­ize how well off I tru­ly am .. I CAN cre­ate.. it is a gift I trea­sure.. because that very act of cre­ation bal­ances up all the destruc­tion.

I have a new admi­ra­tion for clowns today.. a deep­er appre­ci­a­tion of who they real­ly are inside…. they still scare me though….. but then I have a deep­er under­stand­ing of that fear too.. it is once again a gen­uine admi­ra­tion of all things clown and a healthy respect for the dark­er mind of a clown………don’t ever fuck with a clown…  and don’t ever fuck with his LOL’s ……….please see ALL of the above for expla­na­tion…

The orig­i­nal Clown that every oth­er clown in the world has mold­ed and shaped their work on.

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