Category: South Pole Santa

Why The Grinch is Green
*Note Starring John and Joko as The Grinch
(he wouldn’t give me any pics the mean little green cabbage fart)

Once upon a moonlit night
or so the story said
a grinch was born in Christmas town
right down in the garden bed

No-one knew who the heck his mom was
to say nothing of his dad
he lay there in the cabbage patch
that squealing green skinned lad

The Easter bunny found him
when he was munching on some corn
he said he heard some strange grunts
then from a cabbage the Grinch was born

Then the elves from Christmas Town
all came down to see the boy
He was now swaddled in a manger
three wise men bought him a toy

The elves they turned there eyes away
from the glowing green skin glaze
He was given to the tooth fairy
a bright green kid for him to raise

Some say he may have changed in time
with a diet that was just right
but that Tooth Fairy as he was
never came home of a night

So the Grinch was left to feed himself
and the menu choice was few
The Grinch wouldn’t eat the carrots
so he was left with the Cabbage stew

Of course we have all heard the same stories
of private matters about the bum
The next day the grinch would fart so much
That a herd of flies would come

None of the elves did play with him
from upon their nose they looked down
stared upon that green skinned kid
and on their faces was a frown

They were afraid of anyone different
so the Grinch stood all alone
those cold nights out in the snow
with only a kennel for a home

The elves were warm inside their shed
They all laughed around the fire
The Grinch was just a guard dog
“rent a cop” security for hire

As the Grinch grew much older
his skin glowed more and more
all this gooey green shit
kept on oozing out his pores

See underneath the garden bed
was Superman’s North pole hideaway
The Ice cave his daddy left him
where he often came to stay

The Green Glow was the Krptonite
that he funnelled up the ground
right up to the garden bed
the toxic waste was spread right round

So the grinch was radioactive
and set the counters off the scale
Phosphorus and luminous
he is the outcast in this tale

The lad grew sadder and sadder
as he grew so lonely there
he was smart and he was nice
but they didn’t like his spikey hair

Those other elves were cheeky
there was games they liked to play
They would rock the roof of the kennel
and throw reindeer shit at his sleigh

Well, as the Grinch grew older
to himself he had to turn
the blows and the hard knocks in life
were the lessons that he learned

the lad was starved of mother’s love
and cuddles through the night
of story time and bathes so hot
and beds tucked in snug and tight

So the Grinch developed a persona
a shell to hide his soft insides
he hunched his back and turned so grim
and all the elves would run and hide

He yelled and stamped and bullied
picking on tiny elves all day
he wrote mean things and drama blogs
and tore a few new assholes on the way

He was nasty to them all
and he had no favorites
anyway who strayed in front
the grinch would jump to get

So they named the Grinch Old Crabby
and here he is too stay
picking here and picking there
in his mean and nasty way

But deep down inside crabby
is a soft a sweet little guy
for the grinch is really loveable
and never tells a lie

so now we get to the finish
of this little grinchy tale
of a mean and grunpy grinch
who is a hot and horny male

So stay tuned into Santa
for more story time and fun
because the grinch stole Christmas
and that tale is still to come

Twas the night before Christmas when all through myspace

Not a blogger was stirring, not even at Jabs place

The blogging was done, the fingers packed away

waiting for santa, when drunk comes to stay.

Shirtless John and Joko, were snuggled into bed

Between them was Jessica, snoring off her head

Tit’s Macgee was off dreaming, of sexual misdeeds

And Stelf was plotting ways, of relationships to mislead

Then out in cyberspace, came the noise of a crash

Nip fell off Chad, in the din and the bash

Jersey ran to the window and threw it open wide

in rushed Crabby and Kate, he was carrying his bride

“It is time to party”, he yelled out real loud

and opened the doors, to the huge Myspace crowd

<b>in rushed the crew, full of rah rah and fun

followed by Rav, hiding out from the sun

Crabby stood on the table and captured the mood

There’s no drama today, just plenty of food

The beers in the fridge, the music’s on slow

Wait till nips strips, the mood will then flow

Stone Bryson was pacing, hopping up and down

Gina was watching John, on her face was a frown

Tila tequila was singing, and wiggling on the pole

Everyone laughed when she fell down a hole

Kate danced with crabby, and Chad was with Tuck

When suddenly came Santa, in a noisy dump truck

The back part was full, of gifts of all size

It was too much for jabs, his dick started to rise

Jabs hid behind Tits, but that was bad you see

Cos‘ it wasn’t very long, before tits spun to her knee

Just at that time, Stelf the elf happened past

When she saw what she saw, she grew up really fast

The crew was all happy, having a ball of a time

There were presents and gifts, it cost not a dime

Ms K Brown was on stage, telling jokes in her mic

Thank God its Myspace, no writers on strike

Jersey girl is drunk and sprouting her prose

Joko is smitten and hands her a red rose

Jessica has disappeared, with the shirtless one John

I’m sure he is giving her, a special one for “ron”

 

Santa sat on his chair, with Stelf by his side

Her shock is now over and taken in stride

With a blush on her face and a smile ear to ear

I think I see Santa Claus, pinching her rear

Overall the great party, is hailed a success

As Crabby kissed Kate, he jumped and professed

While Kate is my first Love, Myspace is my last

Lets always remember and never let party go past.

R.I.P Will Driscoll  Crabby
Crabby McScrooge

We will now continue our tale
of the little grinchy lad
and all the rotten reasons
that the green kid was so bad

Come Christmas time in festive land
Everyone would pack their bags
and head off up to Christmas town
there were many gifts to tag

The town lit up like fairyland
People scurried here and there
Bad Frosty Directed traffic
right around the village square

The doughboy stood on the corner
peddling out his wares
and Joko was in the kitchen
putting rum in with the pears

The tooth fairy worked the town gate
With the green grinch by his side
There was contraband a plenty
that the visitors were prone to hide

The Easter bunny conducted strip searches
while the tooth fairy looked on
The grinch just growled displeasure
as the bunny felt up another blonde

Well the green skin boy got bored
and often he would stray away
He was turned off by those rotten men
and so off he would trot to play

But be mindful of our story
how those elves didn’t want to play
With that lad from christmas town
and how they all stayed far away

Now all those elves were busy
and rudolf cracked his whip
The grinch was in the blasted way
over his green ass they would trip

They would yell and rant and scream at him
and kick him outside the shed
They would smash their parcels into him
and bang them on his head

And so the Grinch got really cranky
one christmas week in time
His anger built within him
until it crossed the line

His ears steamed out in green puffs
of radioactive green gas
His flat fat feet would stomp about
and he would yell of all things crass

But no one seemed to look at him
they all rushed by him really fast
and trampled poor little grinchy
as they all hurried past

So the grinch then hit the jackpot
of devious tricks to try
He decided to create a din
and teach himself to fly

So he sat there and he pondered
things of physics and of math
See if he didn’t learn his lessons
he would earn the tooth fairies wrath

So his plans formed inside his head
and he went and gathered bits
He snuck and raided cupboards
to find the pieces that would fit

He went and stole the wood
from santas old stockpile
and went and pinched his tools
along with a hammer and a file

Soon his plane was ready
to fly about the town
The grinch had saved all rudolfs shit
and marked the spots to throw it down

But he needed some more power
his phosphorus wasn’t quite enough
To get the plane all powered up
he needed stronger stuff

So he snuck into the workshop
and had a look around
and opened a few boxes
can you guess what grinchy found

A mother lode of power
spread right through the place
The grinch loaded up his arms
and ran out with a grin on his face

So the Grinch built up his airplane
then stood back straight and tall
I’ll give these bastards Christmas
wait till the Shit begins to fall

He loaded up the bomb bay
with all of Rudolf’s shit
and then he checked the map again
and planned whos head’s to hit

He strapped up his new found power cells
and shoved them deep in the back
He filled them with his green gas
nuclear power cells to stack

The Grinch fired up the engine
and shot right into outer space
He wet his pants and crapped himself
there was terror on his face

He turned the rocket right around
and headed back to earth
He gathered such speed to him
he felt he was about to give birth

As the rocket sped towards the ground
the grinch was flattened by the force
His fuzz hair streamed out behind him
a crash was inevitable of course

But right at the last moment
Santa Claus was driving by
The Rocket hit rudolf on the nose
sending his nostrils into his eyes

The rocket’s course was altered
and missed the town centre by a mile
It crashed into the reindeers hay
sending green poop throughout the pile

In the middle it was little Grinchy
with crap pouring down his head
and now spread all around him
those batteries now green and dead

Now All that luminesence
was gone from in The Grinches skin
He was white and he was crabby
the same color as his kin

No -one knows what caused the reaction
that reversed the green skin tinge
it was enough to confuse poor old santa
and sent him off on an old rum binge

That was the Annus Horibilis
of Santa’s Christmas town
Green droopy bits of slimeballs
Just kept on raining down

And Santa had to hire an elf
to write on every box
“batteries not included”
thanks to that little fox

So if this christmas you get a gift
and you see that written there
you know the grinch has touched your toy
and you know the reason’s fair

Because you don’t want little Johnny
to smile at you at night
to have his little face grin back
all luminous and bright

So to mums the whole world over
Santa’s message to you today
is go out now and buy batteries
cos I’ve got none in me sleigh

Blame that little grinchy one
although I think he has gone to hide
I am sure that all that action
was too much to take in his stride

There was a secret to this story
and it is really very huge
As now the he lost his greenness
he’s became Crabby McScrooge

And thats why old Rudolf’s nose is red
Because you know I never lie
with this little tale from Christmas town
to make you laugh until you cry

But to be sure there will be more tales
from where this ditty has sprung
Because I’ve got more stories
waiting to roll off my fat ole tongue

The MySpace bloggers are a funny bunch
of contradictions far and wide
There’s something aboard for evryone
and dramas that just won’t slide

She hates me, no he hates ME
the crap flies here and there
there lots and lots of foot stamps
and people yelling that it’s just not fair

but in between the hyped up stuff
Sprinkled like icing caked on top
are some really interesting people
who’s stories are a challenge to pop

Are you in for the experience
or just to whinge and have a bitch
do you want to learn something new
or do you just want a ball to pitch

Take it as an education
a mixed bag full of varied tricks
and treat it with the utmost respect
or you’ll only find the bloomin’ pricks

All year long Santa is busy
watching all the girls and boys
working out which children
are deserving of Santa’s toys

See Santa’s toys aren’t plastic
or the flesh and blood you feel
Santa gift is spirit
for the soul to take to heal

But some of Santa’s children
suffered trauma deep inside
that any ray of sunshine
they feel they have to hide

but Santa learned a lesson
all those years ago
that a smile can beat the hatred
and make spirit waters flow

My name is friggin Santa Claus
You had better get it right
I only come round once a year
In the middle of the night

I make toys for all the children
and for grown up kids as well
They all sit on Santa’s knee
and whine and have a yell

Please Santa Claus I want a bike
I want a skateboard or two
Give me a brand new surfboard
It makes santa want to spew

You always say that you’ve been good
But we both know that’s not true
I remember all those things you did
when you thought I never knew

I ho ho here, I ho ho there
and get fatter by the day
I smile and grin and wave a lot
And ignore what you have to say

You ask for gold and diamonds
I brings you socks and pants instead
You think your getting what you want
I bring you lumps of lead.

I haven’t seen my toes in years
My bum scrapes on the ground
I wear a stupid red suit
And my sac that weighs 10 pound

I’m married to a bloomin’ witch
They call her Mrs Claus
I’m always walking eggshells
She’s always bangin’ doors

She’s mean an yells and stamps a lot
and rages on all the year
I love it when she gets that mad
She blows wind out from her rear

But she cooks me chocolate brownies
So I think I’ll keep her around
And those delicious yummy pork chops
That make my belly face the ground

I’ve got some bloody reindeer
along with a very stupid one.
They call him Rudolph red nose
I could just kick him up the bum

He gets into my woodshed
and leaves his Shit in there.
He sneaks into my rum room
and gets pissed as a polar bear

I’m sure the elves are growing weed
Out beyond the garden shed
They sneak out there for hours
and come back inside a bloodshot red

I party with the tooth fairy
the easter bunny comes to stay
I dig it when they come around
It means it’s time to play

We go out to the stripper bar
To an igloo in the next town
the easter bunny buys the drinks
we all perve and skol it down

So If you hear Santa coming
Cover the kiddies ears real tight
I’m off visiting the girls next door
and spreading love and light

to parents the whole world over
I have a message to send to you
If you fancy being in my bad books
Then don’t clean the chimney flue

If you have a fire blazing hot
Make sure I’ve somewhere to land
Cos if I burn my feet one more time
I won’t be capable to stand

If You don’t have a chimney
don’t lock the blasted door
You don’t really expect Santa Claus
To climb up the through kitchen floor

I’m sick of milk and cookies
They just pour out my bum
I demand some care and quality
Please leave out the top shelf rum

And if you are hot and single
Please turn on the bedside light
Because Santa wants to visit you
And stay right through the night

I know this letter is an epic
But it’s all in fun and free
The magic that is Christmas
This is my gift for you to see!!
Mayet
(South Pole Santa)