Category: South Pole Santa

Why The Grinch is Green
*Note Star­ring John and Joko as The Grinch
(he would­n’t give me any pics the mean lit­tle green cab­bage fart)

Once upon a moon­lit night
or so the sto­ry said
a grinch was born in Christ­mas town
right down in the gar­den bed

No-one knew who the heck his mom was
to say noth­ing of his dad
he lay there in the cab­bage patch
that squeal­ing green skinned lad

The East­er bun­ny found him
when he was munch­ing on some corn
he said he heard some strange grunts
then from a cab­bage the Grinch was born

Then the elves from Christ­mas Town
all came down to see the boy
He was now swad­dled in a manger
three wise men bought him a toy

The elves they turned there eyes away
from the glow­ing green skin glaze
He was giv­en to the tooth fairy
a bright green kid for him to raise

Some say he may have changed in time
with a diet that was just right
but that Tooth Fairy as he was
nev­er came home of a night

So the Grinch was left to feed him­self
and the menu choice was few
The Grinch would­n’t eat the car­rots
so he was left with the Cab­bage stew

Of course we have all heard the same sto­ries
of pri­vate mat­ters about the bum
The next day the grinch would fart so much
That a herd of flies would come

None of the elves did play with him
from upon their nose they looked down
stared upon that green skinned kid
and on their faces was a frown

They were afraid of any­one dif­fer­ent
so the Grinch stood all alone
those cold nights out in the snow
with only a ken­nel for a home

The elves were warm inside their shed
They all laughed around the fire
The Grinch was just a guard dog
“rent a cop” secu­ri­ty for hire

As the Grinch grew much old­er
his skin glowed more and more
all this gooey green shit
kept on ooz­ing out his pores

See under­neath the gar­den bed
was Super­man’s North pole hide­away
The Ice cave his dad­dy left him
where he often came to stay

The Green Glow was the Krp­tonite
that he fun­nelled up the ground
right up to the gar­den bed
the tox­ic waste was spread right round

So the grinch was radioac­tive
and set the coun­ters off the scale
Phos­pho­rus and lumi­nous
he is the out­cast in this tale

The lad grew sad­der and sad­der
as he grew so lone­ly there
he was smart and he was nice
but they did­n’t like his spikey hair

Those oth­er elves were cheeky
there was games they liked to play
They would rock the roof of the ken­nel
and throw rein­deer shit at his sleigh

Well, as the Grinch grew old­er
to him­self he had to turn
the blows and the hard knocks in life
were the lessons that he learned

the lad was starved of moth­er’s love
and cud­dles through the night
of sto­ry time and bathes so hot
and beds tucked in snug and tight

So the Grinch devel­oped a per­sona
a shell to hide his soft insides
he hunched his back and turned so grim
and all the elves would run and hide

He yelled and stamped and bul­lied
pick­ing on tiny elves all day
he wrote mean things and dra­ma blogs
and tore a few new ass­holes on the way

He was nasty to them all
and he had no favorites
any­way who strayed in front
the grinch would jump to get

So they named the Grinch Old Crab­by
and here he is too stay
pick­ing here and pick­ing there
in his mean and nasty way

But deep down inside crab­by
is a soft a sweet lit­tle guy
for the grinch is real­ly love­able
and nev­er tells a lie

so now we get to the fin­ish
of this lit­tle grinchy tale
of a mean and grun­py grinch
who is a hot and horny male

So stay tuned into San­ta
for more sto­ry time and fun
because the grinch stole Christ­mas
and that tale is still to come

Twas the night before Christ­mas when all through myspace

Not a blog­ger was stir­ring, not even at Jabs place

The blog­ging was done, the fin­gers packed away

wait­ing for san­ta, when drunk comes to stay.

Shirt­less John and Joko, were snug­gled into bed

Between them was Jes­si­ca, snor­ing off her head

Tit’s Macgee was off dream­ing, of sex­u­al mis­deeds

And Stelf was plot­ting ways, of rela­tion­ships to mis­lead

Then out in cyber­space, came the noise of a crash

Nip fell off Chad, in the din and the bash

Jer­sey ran to the win­dow and threw it open wide

in rushed Crab­by and Kate, he was car­ry­ing his bride

“It is time to par­ty”, he yelled out real loud

and opened the doors, to the huge Myspace crowd

<b>in rushed the crew, full of rah rah and fun

fol­lowed by Rav, hid­ing out from the sun

Crab­by stood on the table and cap­tured the mood

There’s no dra­ma today, just plen­ty of food

The beers in the fridge, the music’s on slow

Wait till nips strips, the mood will then flow

Stone Bryson was pac­ing, hop­ping up and down

Gina was watch­ing John, on her face was a frown

Tila tequi­la was singing, and wig­gling on the pole

Every­one laughed when she fell down a hole

Kate danced with crab­by, and Chad was with Tuck

When sud­den­ly came San­ta, in a noisy dump truck

The back part was full, of gifts of all size

It was too much for jabs, his dick start­ed to rise

Jabs hid behind Tits, but that was bad you see

Cos’ it was­n’t very long, before tits spun to her knee

Just at that time, Stelf the elf hap­pened past

When she saw what she saw, she grew up real­ly fast

The crew was all hap­py, hav­ing a ball of a time

There were presents and gifts, it cost not a dime

Ms K Brown was on stage, telling jokes in her mic

Thank God its Myspace, no writ­ers on strike

Jer­sey girl is drunk and sprout­ing her prose

Joko is smit­ten and hands her a red rose

Jes­si­ca has dis­ap­peared, with the shirt­less one John

I’m sure he is giv­ing her, a spe­cial one for “ron”

 

San­ta sat on his chair, with Stelf by his side

Her shock is now over and tak­en in stride

With a blush on her face and a smile ear to ear

I think I see San­ta Claus, pinch­ing her rear

Over­all the great par­ty, is hailed a suc­cess

As Crab­by kissed Kate, he jumped and pro­fessed

While Kate is my first Love, Myspace is my last

Lets always remem­ber and nev­er let par­ty go past.

R.I.P Will Driscoll  Crab­by
Crab­by McScrooge

We will now con­tin­ue our tale
of the lit­tle grinchy lad
and all the rot­ten rea­sons
that the green kid was so bad

Come Christ­mas time in fes­tive land
Every­one would pack their bags
and head off up to Christ­mas town
there were many gifts to tag

The town lit up like fairy­land
Peo­ple scur­ried here and there
Bad Frosty Direct­ed traf­fic
right around the vil­lage square

The dough­boy stood on the cor­ner
ped­dling out his wares
and Joko was in the kitchen
putting rum in with the pears

The tooth fairy worked the town gate
With the green grinch by his side
There was con­tra­band a plen­ty
that the vis­i­tors were prone to hide

The East­er bun­ny con­duct­ed strip search­es
while the tooth fairy looked on
The grinch just growled dis­plea­sure
as the bun­ny felt up anoth­er blonde

Well the green skin boy got bored
and often he would stray away
He was turned off by those rot­ten men
and so off he would trot to play

But be mind­ful of our sto­ry
how those elves did­n’t want to play
With that lad from christ­mas town
and how they all stayed far away

Now all those elves were busy
and rudolf cracked his whip
The grinch was in the blast­ed way
over his green ass they would trip

They would yell and rant and scream at him
and kick him out­side the shed
They would smash their parcels into him
and bang them on his head

And so the Grinch got real­ly cranky
one christ­mas week in time
His anger built with­in him
until it crossed the line

His ears steamed out in green puffs
of radioac­tive green gas
His flat fat feet would stomp about
and he would yell of all things crass

But no one seemed to look at him
they all rushed by him real­ly fast
and tram­pled poor lit­tle grinchy
as they all hur­ried past

So the grinch then hit the jack­pot
of devi­ous tricks to try
He decid­ed to cre­ate a din
and teach him­self to fly

So he sat there and he pon­dered
things of physics and of math
See if he did­n’t learn his lessons
he would earn the tooth fairies wrath

So his plans formed inside his head
and he went and gath­ered bits
He snuck and raid­ed cup­boards
to find the pieces that would fit

He went and stole the wood
from san­tas old stock­pile
and went and pinched his tools
along with a ham­mer and a file

Soon his plane was ready
to fly about the town
The grinch had saved all rudolfs shit
and marked the spots to throw it down

But he need­ed some more pow­er
his phos­pho­rus was­n’t quite enough
To get the plane all pow­ered up
he need­ed stronger stuff

So he snuck into the work­shop
and had a look around
and opened a few box­es
can you guess what grinchy found

A moth­er lode of pow­er
spread right through the place
The grinch loaded up his arms
and ran out with a grin on his face

So the Grinch built up his air­plane
then stood back straight and tall
I’ll give these bas­tards Christ­mas
wait till the Shit begins to fall

He loaded up the bomb bay
with all of Rudolf’s shit
and then he checked the map again
and planned whos head­’s to hit

He strapped up his new found pow­er cells
and shoved them deep in the back
He filled them with his green gas
nuclear pow­er cells to stack

The Grinch fired up the engine
and shot right into out­er space
He wet his pants and crapped him­self
there was ter­ror on his face

He turned the rock­et right around
and head­ed back to earth
He gath­ered such speed to him
he felt he was about to give birth

As the rock­et sped towards the ground
the grinch was flat­tened by the force
His fuzz hair streamed out behind him
a crash was inevitable of course

But right at the last moment
San­ta Claus was dri­ving by
The Rock­et hit rudolf on the nose
send­ing his nos­trils into his eyes

The rock­et’s course was altered
and missed the town cen­tre by a mile
It crashed into the rein­deers hay
send­ing green poop through­out the pile

In the mid­dle it was lit­tle Grinchy
with crap pour­ing down his head
and now spread all around him
those bat­ter­ies now green and dead

Now All that lumi­nes­ence
was gone from in The Grinch­es skin
He was white and he was crab­by
the same col­or as his kin

No ‑one knows what caused the reac­tion
that reversed the green skin tinge
it was enough to con­fuse poor old san­ta
and sent him off on an old rum binge

That was the Annus Hori­bilis
of San­ta’s Christ­mas town
Green droopy bits of slime­balls
Just kept on rain­ing down

And San­ta had to hire an elf
to write on every box
“bat­ter­ies not includ­ed”
thanks to that lit­tle fox

So if this christ­mas you get a gift
and you see that writ­ten there
you know the grinch has touched your toy
and you know the rea­son’s fair

Because you don’t want lit­tle John­ny
to smile at you at night
to have his lit­tle face grin back
all lumi­nous and bright

So to mums the whole world over
San­ta’s mes­sage to you today
is go out now and buy bat­ter­ies
cos I’ve got none in me sleigh

Blame that lit­tle grinchy one
although I think he has gone to hide
I am sure that all that action
was too much to take in his stride

There was a secret to this sto­ry
and it is real­ly very huge
As now the he lost his green­ness
he’s became Crab­by McScrooge

And thats why old Rudolf’s nose is red
Because you know I nev­er lie
with this lit­tle tale from Christ­mas town
to make you laugh until you cry

But to be sure there will be more tales
from where this dit­ty has sprung
Because I’ve got more sto­ries
wait­ing to roll off my fat ole tongue

The MySpace blog­gers are a fun­ny bunch
of con­tra­dic­tions far and wide
There’s some­thing aboard for evry­one
and dra­mas that just won’t slide

She hates me, no he hates ME
the crap flies here and there
there lots and lots of foot stamps
and peo­ple yelling that it’s just not fair

but in between the hyped up stuff
Sprin­kled like icing caked on top
are some real­ly inter­est­ing peo­ple
who’s sto­ries are a chal­lenge to pop

Are you in for the expe­ri­ence
or just to whinge and have a bitch
do you want to learn some­thing new
or do you just want a ball to pitch

Take it as an edu­ca­tion
a mixed bag full of var­ied tricks
and treat it with the utmost respect
or you’ll only find the bloomin’ pricks

All year long San­ta is busy
watch­ing all the girls and boys
work­ing out which chil­dren
are deserv­ing of San­ta’s toys

See San­ta’s toys aren’t plas­tic
or the flesh and blood you feel
San­ta gift is spir­it
for the soul to take to heal

But some of San­ta’s chil­dren
suf­fered trau­ma deep inside
that any ray of sun­shine
they feel they have to hide

but San­ta learned a les­son
all those years ago
that a smile can beat the hatred
and make spir­it waters flow

My name is frig­gin San­ta Claus
You had bet­ter get it right
I only come round once a year
In the mid­dle of the night

I make toys for all the chil­dren
and for grown up kids as well
They all sit on San­ta’s knee
and whine and have a yell

Please San­ta Claus I want a bike
I want a skate­board or two
Give me a brand new surf­board
It makes san­ta want to spew

You always say that you’ve been good
But we both know that’s not true
I remem­ber all those things you did
when you thought I nev­er knew

I ho ho here, I ho ho there
and get fat­ter by the day
I smile and grin and wave a lot
And ignore what you have to say

You ask for gold and dia­monds
I brings you socks and pants instead
You think your get­ting what you want
I bring you lumps of lead.

I haven’t seen my toes in years
My bum scrapes on the ground
I wear a stu­pid red suit
And my sac that weighs 10 pound

I’m mar­ried to a bloomin’ witch
They call her Mrs Claus
I’m always walk­ing eggshells
She’s always ban­gin’ doors

She’s mean an yells and stamps a lot
and rages on all the year
I love it when she gets that mad
She blows wind out from her rear

But she cooks me choco­late brown­ies
So I think I’ll keep her around
And those deli­cious yum­my pork chops
That make my bel­ly face the ground

I’ve got some bloody rein­deer
along with a very stu­pid one.
They call him Rudolph red nose
I could just kick him up the bum

He gets into my wood­shed
and leaves his Shit in there.
He sneaks into my rum room
and gets pissed as a polar bear

I’m sure the elves are grow­ing weed
Out beyond the gar­den shed
They sneak out there for hours
and come back inside a blood­shot red

I par­ty with the tooth fairy
the east­er bun­ny comes to stay
I dig it when they come around
It means it’s time to play

We go out to the strip­per bar
To an igloo in the next town
the east­er bun­ny buys the drinks
we all perve and skol it down

So If you hear San­ta com­ing
Cov­er the kid­dies ears real tight
I’m off vis­it­ing the girls next door
and spread­ing love and light

to par­ents the whole world over
I have a mes­sage to send to you
If you fan­cy being in my bad books
Then don’t clean the chim­ney flue

If you have a fire blaz­ing hot
Make sure I’ve some­where to land
Cos if I burn my feet one more time
I won’t be capa­ble to stand

If You don’t have a chim­ney
don’t lock the blast­ed door
You don’t real­ly expect San­ta Claus
To climb up the through kitchen floor

I’m sick of milk and cook­ies
They just pour out my bum
I demand some care and qual­i­ty
Please leave out the top shelf rum

And if you are hot and sin­gle
Please turn on the bed­side light
Because San­ta wants to vis­it you
And stay right through the night

I know this let­ter is an epic
But it’s all in fun and free
The mag­ic that is Christ­mas
This is my gift for you to see!!
Mayet
(South Pole San­ta)