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This is the first time I am publishing this piece publicly.
It was written in 2009/2010 and placed on private journal entry.
On the 14th of February 2010, I answered a knock at my back door. Standing there was 3 federal police officers, two on the sides pointing tasers at me and the one in the middle pointing a loaded gun at me. My heart dropped. It was the last time I saw my youngest three babies for two years.
Almost two years later my legal aid was stripped from me, with the government excuse that I had “used to many resources” I was then forced to represent myself in multiple jurisdictions to fight for my children.
later a Judge apologised to me, saying, we are sorry Mrs Swan, a judge can only made decisions based on the evidence we have in front of us. We now know from your cross examination of the applicant today that we were not in possession of the facts.
moment of hi five, Yay I stood there without a lawyer and crushed him with truth. .. It was too late though, it was torn, the damage was irrepairable and I have been picking up scattered feathers ever since. There was no hi five, but there was the burn of injustice in my heart.
no, it was the burn if injustice.
At the time I could not share my pain. I couldn’t share anything. i could only wrap myself within myself and scream inside.
Today in some ways i am still screaming inside
I have learned one thing. one very important thing
to endure
it is a deep despair inside, a restlessness borne of not knowing but a the same time having to bear the contemplative thoughts of what will be and even worse what can be.
It is the realization that nothing, not even your children are truly yours, they belong to the state to banter and pass around like marketable goods.
These are my children, I chose to be a mum, I chose all that came with being a mum. I am not perfect and perhaps in the God’s eyes I have failed, or found to be lacking but to be judged by a stranger?
to have society and some one far away from the realities of our family, sitting in such high judgment of us who holds the ability in his hands to take all from under us, to take from us all we have , all we have built, and all we have planned and all we are is I guess to feel the ultimate loss. The loss of life, the loss of freedom, the loss of hat should be
The pain is unbearable, every minute I stop and heave a deep sigh, as if something is trapped and held within my very soul, bursting to tear it’s way out to cause the ultimate pain a mother can bear. The loss of a child or the threat of the loss of a child.
I just tucked Kahleah into bed …I do feel my heart breaking with every breath. I watch their angelic faces as they begin to bloom again, only to face that it all might be ripped from us again. The tranquility and healing shattered, our family fragmented and forgotten.
My babies. The pain is too much too keep writing, my tears beg annoyingly to be wiped away as they run in a constant stream down my cheeks unheeded. My vision is blurred. my heart is so heavy. I can’t stop the waves of pain that rip through my soul.
it is the worse, it is rock bottom, it is the devastation that only a parent could dread. The memories flash like replay in full Technicolor windscreen through my mind of our life together, of our dreams, our hopes, and of our fear, of our nightmare.
Yet that nightmare, it was nothing, it had nothing on this nightmare. This is the ultimate pain, the ultimate sequel to end the saga. The final control, the final cut. and yes, it is the deepest, far deeper than I have evr endured from him before. Far worse than too much, it hurts so bad.
what registers is my babies, of my bond with them
of B as he says, “I hope you bought a hug with you mum” or “I know what you bought me home from the shop mummy, you bought me a kiss”.
Of listening to S’s operatic tones pierce my head in perfect pitch as she merrily dances around the house and her smiles at
me the love the bond between us as mother and daughter. Of K, my little sunshine, Her earnest blue eyes looking deeply into mine as she tells me one of her stories.
We are just now only beginning to find each other again. We are just beginning to mend and learning to walk all over again and now it is threatened with a destruction that i am powerless to stop.
and it hurts ………. bad….
I’m sorry i just need an outlet for this pain and I can’t publish this publicly….. I hurt
Alone in the dark, alone with your thoughts
overcome with deep feelings of dread.
all of your hopes and all of your fears
are flowing randomly around in your head.
searching for courage, the spark that’s inside
to stand up and face what the fates bring,
suppressing inside you the need to be free,
as slowly the voice stops to sing
when you finally stand up and step on to the future,
from the tears that are all done and all cried,
facing the fears of all that is unknown,
that takes courage born of blood and of pride.
the torches of knowledge which light up the way
will help guide you to take one step more
the light may grow dim and flicker about
but the spirit comes from deep in the core
The book of today has already been written
the pages are numbered from the days of your life
it’s signed in your blood and then sealed with the laws
ready to cut through your soul like a knife
Look deep in the mirror at you staring back
you see time etched and marked on your face
innocence gone from those eyes which now turn away
a knowing deep faraway look in its place
Another day older there is no going back
no changing the past with a pen
the lesson is learned reaction to action
it is time for the deep wounds to mend
A red dawn breaks out from under the darkness
as nature waits for the new day to begin
Consciousness wakens and stirs from it’s sleep
the world has turned on it’s axis again
Mayet
Mirror Mirror on the wall, Who is the Faerest of us all? The Truth are we in the skies you see, The Balance of Fire And Water is Elektricity.
The mirror of Thoth work here by me, is mirroring that mirror. Opening the doors of Thoth’s hallways of knowledge and inviting everyone in to see the true beauty of truth.
