Lost

It’s fun­ny. I am such an opti­mist. My mot­to in life is “the sun willl always shine tomor­row. Even if it is cloudy and stormy now, the sun is still up there shin­ing and soon­er or lat­er those clouds are going to rain out and a big wind come and clear up the skies”.

But after pick­ing up one of my diaries today that was writ­ten in 1982 I see now that it wasn’t always sun­shine and pup­pies for me.

I had a hard ado­les­cence. I was con­fused and sad and lost. I had no sense of iden­ti­ty and I was always search­ing for myself. Many of my read­ers know I was adopt­ed out at birth after being born in a morgue and that strug­gle and search for iden­ti­ty seemed twice as hard to me than to any­one else.

I drift­ed from scene to scene, search­ing and look­ing for the place I belonged, with oth­ers who were like me, with peo­ple who could under­stand how I was think­ing and why i was think­ing it. They weren’t there. I was alone and lost in a world that was strange and alien to me. I would lie on my roof at night and look up at the stars, want­i­ng to be out there amongst them and wait­ing for the aliens who dropped me off to real­ize that they had left me in the wrong place. This wasn’t my place, this wasn’t my life, this wasn’t my time.

Some of you know how much “trou­ble” I got into as a kid. I’m not going to go into details today about that but I am pret­ty open on it all. Look­ing back at my old jour­nals though, I real­ized some­thing.

Every­thing was so dark and dire and it was. I grew up too fast. I was a very old and deep think­ing head inside a 15 year olds body with heaps of juve­nile hor­mones run­ning around. I was a lon­er and unable to find that sense of belong­ing or iden­ti­ty that seemed to slide so eas­i­ly over the shoul­ders of those around me. I was very deeply intro­spec­tive.

Nowa­days I have a neat lit­tle label for myself. I don’t use it as I don’t feel even that label fits com­fort­ably tagged on me. But hav­ing said that I do under­stand now and can in turn give that gift of under­stand­ing to my own chil­dren in order for them to make a much smoother tran­si­tion from child to adult than I ever could of dreamed of.

No one under­stood me but in my search for under­stand­ing myself. I now under­stand my chil­dren.

See Now I know this is my life and I know this is my place and I know this is my time.. and its all good.

Did you have a hard time as a teen? Or was your tran­si­tion smooth and easy flow­ing ebb, into the world of an adult.

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Mirror Mirror on the wall, Who is the Faerest of us all? The Truth are we in the skies you see, The Balance of Fire And Water is Elektricity. View all posts by