It’s funny. I am such an optimist. My motto in life is “the sun willl always shine tomorrow. Even if it is cloudy and stormy now, the sun is still up there shining and sooner or later those clouds are going to rain out and a big wind come and clear up the skies”.
But after picking up one of my diaries today that was written in 1982 I see now that it wasn’t always sunshine and puppies for me.
I had a hard adolescence. I was confused and sad and lost. I had no sense of identity and I was always searching for myself. Many of my readers know I was adopted out at birth after being born in a morgue and that struggle and search for identity seemed twice as hard to me than to anyone else.
I drifted from scene to scene, searching and looking for the place I belonged, with others who were like me, with people who could understand how I was thinking and why i was thinking it. They weren’t there. I was alone and lost in a world that was strange and alien to me. I would lie on my roof at night and look up at the stars, wanting to be out there amongst them and waiting for the aliens who dropped me off to realize that they had left me in the wrong place. This wasn’t my place, this wasn’t my life, this wasn’t my time.
Some of you know how much “trouble” I got into as a kid. I’m not going to go into details today about that but I am pretty open on it all. Looking back at my old journals though, I realized something.
I was a fucking emo
Everything was so dark and dire and it was. I grew up too fast. I was a very old and deep thinking head inside a 15 year olds body with heaps of juvenile hormones running around. I was a loner and unable to find that sense of belonging or identity that seemed to slide so easily over the shoulders of those around me. I was very deeply introspective.
Nowadays I have a neat little label for myself. I don’t use it as I don’t feel even that label fits comfortably tagged on me. But having said that I do understand now and can in turn give that gift of understanding to my own children in order for them to make a much smoother transition from child to adult than I ever could of dreamed of.
No one understood me but in my search for understanding myself. I now understand my children.
See Now I know this is my life and I know this is my place and I know this is my time.. and its all good.
Did you have a hard time as a teen? Or was your transition smooth and easy flowing ebb, into the world of an adult.